I want to be a professional photographer, I'm pretty sure most of you know that by now. I never stopped thinking about it, even as I have my dinner, I sit at the living room watching TV, and even as I randomly surf the Internet.

But as a handful of you know, I always need that spark to be driven towards my goal. And in this instance, it would be a successful photo shoot.  A slight push, an inspiration. Any form of encouragement that leaves behind my stubbornness to force my ass out of my seat to get going.

And I know I sound really lazy and uninspired (most of the time) but that's the thing about me. Once an idea hits me, it sticks. And what happens next, is I find ways to put my thoughts into action.

For the past 1-2 weeks, I've been wrecking my brains out, sourcing online for inspiration and ideas to execute my plans. Watching countless music videos, observing the way people dress, reading (and processing) song lyrics, things like that. With that, I had to find people who were willing to sacrifice a bit of their time to work with me.

I did all that and earlier today, I began Phase 1.

I'm quite proud of myself that I actually left the house today to do something really productive. And the best part, I came back with results I was satisfied with. Although it wasn't the final outcome yet, I was contented.

Here's a little sneak peek of the shoot we did earlier.

More updates when I get back!

Okay, okay I'll stop moping already. I sound so disgusting when I do even I want to hurt myself haha!

You know, there's always that beginning that you've to go through and get used to, then everything will simmer down. Some people choose to keep it inside and some just decide to puke everything out online.

I actually consider this blog as an "inside" (that's why it can get pretty pubescent and disgusting sometimes!) because I don't think people can locate this blog easily since I don't provide any links online. Unless you still remember my link from awhile ago, then good for you. Hooray!

Just a little insight of my life right now.

Work is picking up though I'm suddenly more inclined to getting back to school next year. School's good because I've always dreamt of that cert but it's bad because school fees and allowances + class materials aren't going to be cheap.

Hur.

It's still my proposed gap year so I've still got time to think about -life-.

Gut is telling me that I should just work to keep the moolah coming in. Not much but it'll gradually increase over time. I hope.

(But but, it's always been a dream of mine to get a Degree in Fine Art)

And at times like this, I just want to be a lazy, fat cat.

Which I'm all, but a cat.

So I just returned from a 2D1N trip to Batam to let off some steam, to take my mind off things. And Pra accompanied me for the trip because Sad was unable to make it. The trip was alright but I've to admit I was tired the entire time because Pra and I stayed out the night before we departed so we wouldn't miss the ferry in the morning, knowing our horrible sleeping habits (or lack thereof).

I wanted to be away to stop thinking about things for a day and the sad part was the only thing I thought about was "Is Sad doing okay? I miss him.." I felt so detached from the relationship suddenly because there he is slogging his ass off in Tekong, doing his NS and here I am, taking the weekend off to "let loose", just because. I suddenly felt hopeless when I didn't get to hear him on the phone.

I miss his voice. I miss his scent. I miss the way he holds me.

It sucks that I finally found that someone who wants to hold me just as much as I want to hold him and poof, I get to spend less time with him as our relationship moves forward.

Yes, it's all part and parcel of life. But just at this moment with myself, I feel fucked up.

I feel like I deserve better. I feel like this shouldn't be happening to me.