3.35am and as usual I can't sleep. I feel really tired, my eyes are strained but I can't sleep. So yes, the usual self-reflection thing begins.

The 2nd school term of my final year has started and did I go to school? No. And because I'm going to go visit my grandma (in Malaysia) later, I'll be skipping school again.

Because I'm on my third and final year, I get asked again and again what I want to do after I graduate. When I tell them what I've got in mind, I get mixed responses. And most of the time, they are negative responses.

I don't know how to put this but sometimes people think we're too young and we don't know a thing about reality. I'm pretty sure I know I do or at least have a pretty rough idea of it. If the path I'm going to take isn't the "right" one so what? I live for the experience and I'll learn from it. I can assure you that I'm trying to sound the least naive when I mention the previous statement. It's a pity that some people just can't take me seriously.

Why should people plan their futures when they don't even live for the moment? Why work or study for the future? What about now? Are you enjoying what you're doing now? Because you should. It might suck but everything will be for the better, in time to come.

I fucking hate people who ask me what I want to do in future and when I tell them they give me a "oh-my-god-how-are-you-going-to-make-a-living?" response. Why do I even bother telling you in the first place? Oh yes, cause if I don't, you'd think I'm not being independent and enjoy being spoon-fed so I don't have to think about my own future. And if I do, ... then comes that stupid response. Seriously people, even if I die tomorrow or not, I'm not going to use your life savings to pay for my funeral, so shut the fuck up.

Ya?

Chao.

My I-haven't-fucking-sleep-for-20-days face says hi.

Chao.

5.45am. I'm still awake. I haven't slept since 1pm yesterday. I can't sleep so I shall blog.

Because you're only reading and won't ask me anything, I shall just tell you. That right now, I feel nothing. Like really, nothing. I'm still alive, but yet at the same time, I'm just sitting here and feeling nothing. I don't feel like a zombie. I don't want to eat your brain. I really feel nothing.

Are there any insomniacs around? I really need insomniac friends. I get so lonely every time during these few hours. Oh now I remember, Prapra is always around to chat with me when I don't sleep. He's in India now enjoying life and here I am, still feeling nothing.

Sometimes, I really don't know what to do with my life anymore. People can succeed without an education so what am I doing here?

Just a quick update on my so-called life. I'm living with my brother now. Adult-free until my mum calls every five seconds (even when she's overseas). A lot of you might think "Oh cool! You get to party every night!" or "Oh my god you're so rich! You have two houses!" These people need to shoot themselves really. Or just jump off my bedroom window. I live on the 11th floor, I'm pretty sure you'll die once your head reaches the ground. Or at least I hope so.

I'm not even 20 but yet I've got so much responsibilities, it's crazy. I fucking hate it when people don't take me seriously. It's like they think I've got an easy life because I ~live alone~ now. It's not fucking easy at all.

I don't mean to sound like I'm depressed but this life is mad. So mad, I might even end up taking my own life. And you ask "What about those around you? Don't you care about how they'll feel once you're gone?" You know what, I'd very much like to not give a fuck about what people think, be it when I was alive or when I'm dead. If I didn't care when I was alive, why more should I when I'm dead?

I'm not sick. I don't want to be. You know what? I think I'm going to go watch some tv til the sun rises and be less depressed.

6am.

Chao.

Been feeling so uninspired lately, I just feel like curling up in a corner and crying my eyes out. I'm being a complacent bitch right now but I can't help it. I'm not comparing my life with others' but I think I'm too young to be going through all these nonsense. 6 weeks of school just passed by in a snap and have I done anything productive? I don't think so. Have this crazy urge to just drop everything and quit school but I know I shouldn't. I'm so close to graduating but who knows if I actually have the grades to pass my final year.

And do I do anything about it? No. All I do is complain about the shitass weather, my mum, my brother, about anything and everything. I'm such a loser sometimes.

Chao.