This is going to sound like I'm horribly depressed. So turn away now.

I was doing my occasional visit to Tumblr for my comic fixes. Although it isn't an entire comic strip, but it's really pretty to see different interpretations of superheroes and ogle at hot female superheroes (to satisfy my inner-feminist). Also, because it's the cheapest way to do so, and I owe the library a huge fine so I can't borrow any comic book and no, I'm not going to pay the fine.

Okay so this is where I'm about to sound sad.

I scrolled and scrolled to older posts and I see different comic adaptations dedicated to Father's Day and immediately, I feel emotionless. It's like, I don't feel anything at all, when on comic, Batman tears.

I'm bad with words so I don't really know how to say this. I was born with a Father but I never recalled actually wishing him a Happy Father's Day. And if that's so, that'd mean I've never wished my still-alive Father a Happy Father's Day for twenty years already.

And why? Because it isn't a happy one. Neither do I feel that my father has fulfilled his responsibilities as one. Even as I type "my father", I cringe and wished I didn't because I feel empty when I've to mention him. I don't feel a closeness or any kind of relation, other then we're related by blood because my mum and him were once married and popped me out afterwards.

I don't mean to sound hateful towards him but neither do I want to sound like a rude daughter, that's just my two cents.

Sometimes, I do regret not wishing him so because he is my father after all. But I'm stubborn and hard-headed and I don't and move on.

I feel like I should forgive him and let it go but I'm angry. Life hasn't been any wonderful and I'm angry. If he stayed, would life have been different and amazing for me? I'll never know and it's okay. If I'm to go through this course of life, I'll willingly accept it (with a heavy heart).

I hear stories of fathers doing amazing things for their children, even if it's just cooking dinner, bringing them shopping or even just chilling and watching tv together. I feel detached and most of the time, I turn off and pretend I'm having a good time listening, when in fact, I feel broken inside.

I mean it's not to say I'm like that all the time, but you can't help but think back, what if it never happened, would I be okay today? Would I be telling my friends more stories of "my father this, my father that.." instead of "oh my god my mother this, my mother that.." Would we still be financially burdened if my mum had my father's support? Or perhaps, we'd still be broken and fucked up?

You just will never know.

And so, I've functioned my mind (not completely though, still working extremely hard on it) to switch off and think happy thoughts. Of unicorn-filled skies and marshmallow clouds.

Or more realistically, a future where my kid/s grow up with the guidance of a responsible, loving father.

How can one not fall in love with that smile?