sp,e before i end off the night, or somewhat attempt to, i would like to apologise to the universe.

i am sorry for all the hurt i've caused, intentional or not, to friends, people of my past/present, family, and every other entity. 

i'm not the perfect person, and no one is (apparently) but i'm not a good being either. 

it's just not the best news month after month and let's be real and honest here, i want it to stop. i want 30 days to pass without being reminded of how much of a failure i've been. and whoever is reading this or doesn't, i've failed a couple billion times and will continue to do so as long as i breathe, as long as i open my eyes to see the sun rise, as long as i biologically can. 

i love. and i love too hard and fast. i've been careful. way too careful, and i'm somewhat certain it wasn't my doing this time. but know that i love you and i want the best for you and know that i love you with every fibre of my being.

to get a call from the hospital every other month to find out that something is "not normal", i feel less. no one should feel for me. especially for someone as difficult as me. 

yeah i may type without as little to none spelling or grammatical errors but that's just how "perfect" i want everyone to know me as. always making sure i say the most politically correct things i could say or making sure i punctuate as probably as i possibly can soberly can. if you'd like to know, i'm typing rapidly as i can so i don't lost lose any seemingly conscious thought i can hold at the moment. pardon (or not) that i don't capitalise the first letter of every sentence. that's how i text/type. 

somehow i feel like i should be like this, not absolutely sober (clearly as an excuse) but as honest as i can be because why the fuck not, amirite? 

i'm not an alcoholic but i recognise a typo when i see one. it's stupid but at least (i just shrugged) i make sure i try? i want to drink until i pass out and not remember a thing but you know i know, it takes a lot of alcohol to pass me out. is that even a term? 

i'm disappointing you if you're still reading this. i cannot cope and it is the truth. i've chosen to run away and let's be real, i'm still failing. every fucking thing catches up (it's not as if i do cardio any way). i'm an ugly son of a bitch who has zero control over anything.

i love typing like this. it's fast and straight out of my mind and it's somewhat real. i think. i will regret this in future but i will not delete it because i know it's a part of my head and here's the truth. there you go.

i'm not doing ok. and no one knows. bla bla bla. 

i just want to say that i never stopped trying. i tried. i really did. every time i climb myself out, i fall right back in, and you know what? no one cares and no one knows. and that's absolutely fine. 

i'm sorry.