Me at 3.30am trying to get work done.


Moments ago, I suddenly thought about not being able get my Diploma because I've failed school or something.

I'd be a dropout, no?

And then I thought about all the people I've convinced so hard to stay in school to get their Diploma.

Like really, what the fuck is wrong with my head?

Chao.

I kinda miss my old red and longer hair. Okay, maybe not the bangs.

Chao.

If I had a gun, trust me, I'd have already shot myself in the head with it. I'd rather hurt myself then hurt the people who mean the world to me. So fucking tempted to disappear once I'm done with school. I can't do this anymore.

Yup, keep putting all the blames on me. I mean, I don't have feelings so I should be totally okay with it, right? Yeah, everything is my fault. I caused your misery. Good job, I'm so proud of myself.

3am.


I don't really know how to put my current thoughts into words so here goes.

I'm 19 this year. I'll be 20 next year, and 21 the following year. I'm not getting any younger. I'm really going to be an adult very, very soon. What I'm trying to say is something along the lines of "I need to fuck up less and learn to be a more responsible (young) adult" and I don't have much time.

I'm young, I'm free and yes, I enjoy fucking up because that's how I learn. That's how I look past my mistakes and move on. Not trying to sound like "Oh I've seen the world so I know things even though I'm so young" but I'm pretty much leading a very independent life now as compared to a lot of 19 year old kids out there.

Ignore this part because it's going to sound like the whole world revolves around me. I think I'm going to try to be a little more selfish and start thinking for my own sake. I'm really, really tired of trying to please everyone but myself. But the thing is, I do enjoy pleasing people (not in a sexual way of course). Over the past weeks, I've come to realise that I actually feed off other people's happiness, that's how I smile. I don't really prioritise my own happiness because I find it a little redundant. I don't see the point in satisfying myself because I know I want so much more (that I can't achieve) so, I make others smile instead. I guess in a way it's easier for me to see others smile and I'll just be really awkward looking at myself smile in the mirror.

However, it has come to such an extent that I feel close to nothing to anything anymore. I don't exactly know how to explain it but every day I wake up, I just want time to past faster. And it's not exactly a bad thing because I think I've come to terms with my own stupid emotions that I suddenly am ~happy~ about anything and everything.

I guess I'm really tired now and I know I'm still young. I can still feel that little spark in me still oiling the gears and keeping the engines running in my mind. That tiny spark. It's barely making it, but it's still there. Sometimes, all I think about is giving up. Just how much do I have to give in to receive? I believe in karma but does karma believe in me?

I need to collect metaphorical firewood, twigs and dried leaves, Gather them and light them up with that little tiny spark left lingering in my head and hope to ignite an endless glowing bonfire of energy and life and make sure it stays in.

Somehow.

Chao.