I've always thought I'd be the one to -rise above the situation- first but it seems that you're the one who has everything under control.

And so, I have become that ex-girlfriend that everyone stopped hanging out with, stopped texting, stopped tagging on Instagram and Twitter, stopped including on Facebook posts (when on some occasions I was the one who introduced the trends or the funny videos). And I think it's fine, they were your friends to begin with and I'll not get in the way of that.

I'm done extending my hand for any kind of response, I'm done being the first to pick up my phone, I'm (almost) done looking at our old photos and text messages, and I'm (also almost) done feeling sorry and guilty for having held you back. I'm not as strong as everybody else.

I cannot forget easily. I cannot forget the feelings, I cannot forget the promises, I cannot forget the future we talked about.

It's crazy hard doing the most simplest things in life. Whenever I cook for myself, I think about preparing some more for you. Whenever I walk past supermarkets, I think about us looking at cheap sushi together (which I kinda still do that on my own because I'm so fucking pathetic). I look inside Astons, I think that used to be us stressing over what side dishes to pick. My friends say I deserve a holiday and invite me to go overseas with them, I just think about how disappointed I'd be to not wake up without you at my side.

I don't think we can ever be friends again and it's not because I hate you, it's only because I still love you. I look at your face and I badly want to kiss you. I look at your empty hands and I just want to reach out and hold them. I sit next to you and I just want to lean on you and smell you. It's extremely difficult for me to regard you as a friend because it is so weird.

Besides, you've found ways to occupy yourself now, which is good. You're hanging out with your friends, coping well with school (I hope), and basically enjoying your life. You've made that decision to push me out of your life and you've succeeded. Remember how I hate how indecisive you are? Well, you've certainly stuck through a decision and that's super great for you! (but very sad on my part, I guess)

I guess I secretly wanted to be that ex-girlfriend you'd never forget and insist on being friends with but someone already took that place so good for you. I'm happy for you (both, urgh).

I'm not done wallowing in self-pity. This whole -moving on- and -getting over you- is taking way longer than I initially expected so I suppose I'll just ride it out while it lasts.

This is me being genuinely happy for you.

Occasionally, I get asked the same question, "How does getting tattooed feel like?"

At the back of my head I think to myself, "It's like cutting yourself.. But you'll have something beautiful afterwards.. You'll earn bragging rights.."

Of course, I don't say that and proceed to imitate the sounds of screeching noises or pretend to claw at something and pretend to be annoyed by it.

I don't know if it's because women have a higher tolerance for pain as compared to men because we're built to give birth bla bla bla, or if it's because of my own extremely high tolerance for pain - fractured ankles, torn ligaments, piercings here and there bla bla bla.

But one thing's for sure though, nothing beats physical pain the way psychological pain does.

I participated in a personality test (I'm a sucker for things like that) earlier tonight and one question was something like "If there were any kind of flower/s in your room right now, what would it/they be?" and my answer was "two stalks of dead roses".

For a moment, my friend was stumped and tried as much to explain that my answer was indicative of the people/person in my life, and my description would further determine what they mean/t to me. I have no idea who my "dead roses" are to be honest and I myself was unable to interpret it, which was alright I guess. We gave it a rest after awhile.

The normal chit-chat went on and he found out my parents are divorced and he said my parents (mum and -step-dad) are my "dead roses" and I said no. He asked if I ever sit with my family for meals and I said we seldom do. He asked if I ever yearned for the family to sit down and have meals together and I said no and he was shocked and asked me why. I said I'd rather eat alone because I'd prefer it that way. He stopped asking and I stopped saying anything else but basically that was it.

I have two stalks of dead roses in my life, and this is me trying to figure who they are at 4am in the morning.