I feel weak.
With everything that's going on right now, emotionally and physically. No, I'm not emo. I just need more time to think better but time is never on my side, nor anybody's. I need more time to get well. I'm pretty sick of the state I'm in now. Not my "emo" state of mind rather more of myself as a whole, my health, my habits, my appearance.
Medication after medication. Doctor visits, one after another. Being referred from one specialist to another. My ankles, my immune system, my head. I can't walk properly, I breathe too hard or sometimes too deep, I can't sleep well. Something is really wrong with my body. I'm not addicted to my meds. I think they are addicted to me.
Too much money spent on me just for myself to get well. I feel it burden my family. My little family. The little imaginery family in my head. I think they secretly hate me for not being strong. Not tough enough. Not immune to illnesses or unnecessary injuries. I'm being too much. I take everything for granted and this has to stop.
Ask me if I'm okay. I'm not, obviously. How can I be? I stopped training and Peter keeps texting me about reporters coming in to interview everyone. I'm so fucking jealous but I can't do anything about it. I told Peter I'll be back in October to train. November's in a few weeks time. And I'm still limping and fucking miserable.
I had fun during the Kuantan trip because of my friends. Those who held my hand, who supported me, who encouraged me. I couldn't walk properly on the soft sand or the stony grounds. Go ahead and laugh. Yeah, it's funny. Inside, I felt very angry, so frustrated, with myself. I'm usually the one who jumps and runs around to annoy my friends. Now, I just do that verbally and it's different.
I'm upset. I need someone to stab me. I want to lie on a hospital bed and cry. I want to be left alone yet have someone around to smile at me and tell me that everything's going to be okay. I need a hand to hold. I need to stop feeling like this becase it's not very healthy. I don't know what else to say.
Do you have any fucking idea how miserable I feel right now? Do you?
After I click on 'publish post', I'm going to have to take my meds. I'm not addicted. I just want the pain to go away. I want everything to go away. I've made a coupla big mistakes and I want to turn back time. I want to take back all the things I've said and just keep mum. It's so hard to make decisions. So fucking hard.
Chao.
With everything that's going on right now, emotionally and physically. No, I'm not emo. I just need more time to think better but time is never on my side, nor anybody's. I need more time to get well. I'm pretty sick of the state I'm in now. Not my "emo" state of mind rather more of myself as a whole, my health, my habits, my appearance.
Medication after medication. Doctor visits, one after another. Being referred from one specialist to another. My ankles, my immune system, my head. I can't walk properly, I breathe too hard or sometimes too deep, I can't sleep well. Something is really wrong with my body. I'm not addicted to my meds. I think they are addicted to me.
Too much money spent on me just for myself to get well. I feel it burden my family. My little family. The little imaginery family in my head. I think they secretly hate me for not being strong. Not tough enough. Not immune to illnesses or unnecessary injuries. I'm being too much. I take everything for granted and this has to stop.
Ask me if I'm okay. I'm not, obviously. How can I be? I stopped training and Peter keeps texting me about reporters coming in to interview everyone. I'm so fucking jealous but I can't do anything about it. I told Peter I'll be back in October to train. November's in a few weeks time. And I'm still limping and fucking miserable.
I had fun during the Kuantan trip because of my friends. Those who held my hand, who supported me, who encouraged me. I couldn't walk properly on the soft sand or the stony grounds. Go ahead and laugh. Yeah, it's funny. Inside, I felt very angry, so frustrated, with myself. I'm usually the one who jumps and runs around to annoy my friends. Now, I just do that verbally and it's different.
I'm upset. I need someone to stab me. I want to lie on a hospital bed and cry. I want to be left alone yet have someone around to smile at me and tell me that everything's going to be okay. I need a hand to hold. I need to stop feeling like this becase it's not very healthy. I don't know what else to say.
Do you have any fucking idea how miserable I feel right now? Do you?
After I click on 'publish post', I'm going to have to take my meds. I'm not addicted. I just want the pain to go away. I want everything to go away. I've made a coupla big mistakes and I want to turn back time. I want to take back all the things I've said and just keep mum. It's so hard to make decisions. So fucking hard.
Chao.
posted by Zakk at
10:15 PM
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