zakk

2012-01-19T09:25:00.000+08:00

This morning, I'd very much to fuck my life right now.

How's it possible that I've way too many responsibilities to shoulder? How's it possible that I'm wasting my youth thinking about my future and bills? How's it possible that somewhere out/up there, someone/thing thinks I've the capacity to carry all these burden?

I'd like to say I hate my life very much right now. Honestly, I'm not impressed with who I am. Sometimes I can do so much, yet sometimes I retreat into a little corner and be nothing.

Most of the time, in fact, all the time, I want to be worryless. I want to stop wallowing in self-pity because who gives a fuck, right?

As of now, on the brighter side of things, I'm content with the people I have in my circle right now. And I think happy thoughts. Perhaps, that's just how I get by and survive this notion called life.

Chao.

2012-01-14T00:29:00.001+08:00

And despair's the only emotion I can give to you, world.

I try so hard. So so hard.

But that's all I'm left with.

And that's all I'm leaving as.

A failure.

2011-12-31T05:00:00.002+08:00

Just fucking get over it already. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me sometimes. I get so annoyed by myself, it's such a horrible feeling.

2011-12-25T03:21:00.002+08:00

Before I begin my mass-photoshopping duties.

2011-12-22T00:32:00.001+08:00

You're so cute when you're such a kid.

2011-12-08T00:12:00.005+08:00

And you bleed just to know you're alive.

2011-12-04T23:00:00.002+08:00

Today was a rather.. oxymoron day.

I don't exactly know how to describe it all into a blog post.

It's 11.10pm now and I should be doing up my presentation slides for tomorrow's submission. Damn you, module-I've-to-retake. Instead, I'm feeling really tired and unmotivated. So, I'm going to take a nap now and wake up at 12 or 1 later and finish everything up.

Chao.

2011-12-04T02:54:00.002+08:00

Had a sudden contemplation of selling my DSLRs. Though the D40 has been with Sad for awhile now.

I just feel like giving up digital photography, and going film full time.

But what good can my film photos be and will they even sell? At most, I believe they'll just be circulated around the Internet, and not earn a single cent for me.

Of course I think about profit. I think about it all the time. Yeah, I want an honest living once I start out on my own. But how much can I go on, if I don't even earn a single cent from what I do.

Earlier today, I went to watch Mike Posner live, together with Asy. Didn't really know what was to come but it was alright. Took photos for Popspoken and I felt like I was doing something again. I'm not getting paid but I felt like my photos could sell for something. Could sell for recognition?

Maybe.

I don't really know.

Sometimes, I just want to throw everything and buy a cheap camera to get me by. Some small and handy so I can just bring it around and whip it out anytime I want to snap.

Chao.

2011-12-03T03:01:00.003+08:00

Not supposed to be feeling like this right now.

Happy thoughts, Zakk.

Happy thoughts.

On another note, the past week has been a menacing one. Truth be told, I've had worse so this really is nothing. Saying that though, leaves me wondering what's to become of me during the final submission week.

Academics aside, I've been officially up for 63 hours.

60 fucking 3.

Okay yeah, inclusive of the times I napped in the bus.

Bed, I'm ready for you.

And I know I don't really mention much about it, but here goes.

I love my boyfriend.

Chao.

2011-11-30T04:05:00.002+08:00

My face at 4am, designing stuff. Clearly, I don't function well sitting in front of a laptop using design software to well, design.

Chao.

2011-11-28T01:50:00.001+08:00

All the best for your internship! Embrace these three months while they last. You'll be alright.

2011-11-24T03:20:00.004+08:00

Maybe I've just restored a little faith in myself in believing in a higher power. That tiny spark that still beams and is hopeful.

That someday, things will be better.

A little faith is all we need. If not in a high power, then in ourselves.

2011-11-21T03:35:00.002+08:00

Every day I wish to see you.
In tears but powerful.

Every day I wish to see you.
Screaming but unaware.

Every day I wish to see you.
Sing to the skies but mute.

Every day I wish to see you.
Drunk but emotionless.

Every day.

2011-11-20T22:36:00.003+08:00

On a much positive note, I had a TEDxcellent weekend with one of the most amazing team of people. TEDx Youth Day 2011 was a success and wow, it has been one hell of a mad journey getting here. Seeing so many tired but happy faces at the end of the day makes me content, though the thought of my ankle possibly acting up wavered in my mind the whole day, because I was walking, crawling, sneaking around taking photos. Break (or whenever available) time was seen me walking around feeding team mates with the fried rice I made at 5am that morning. Ah, the look on their faces after every bite, and having them chase me afterwards to have another bite, makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. They love my fried rice.

Anyway, I feel like a proud mum saying this, but I'm so proud of Sad (and the team) for running the event so well and successful. I've never felt more fulfilled to be part of such a project before so I thank you (and the team) for this wonderful opportunity.

It was great (and sometimes crazy-bad) while it lasted so it's now back to normal life again.

Wait, what life?

Chao.

2011-11-20T22:19:00.005+08:00

Sometimes, you really have no idea what I'm going through, and neither do I want to brag about it because it's no concern of yours.

I mean it when I say I need my space so give it to me. Yes, you've given me this space but obviously not entirely, because you don't fucking trust the fuck out of me at all and it's these minor things that piss the fuck out of me and make me lose all my focus.

I really wished you'd see things from my point of view and not just assume I'm going to fail at life. I try so hard to make you understand but you're so reluctant to stand in my shoes. Open your eyes and see that grades aren't going to get me far. Open your eyes and see that everything I do now, reflects what I want to do in future. It won't pay much but all I want is an honest living.

I'm not asking for anything more.

2011-11-18T03:44:00.005+08:00

She undresses me like no one ever did.
Like a mother, and I'm her baby, she strokes and caresses my face.
She shows no disinterest in wanting me.
Close to her bosom, I feel her heart pace.

An escape so unreal and real at the same time.
I draw myself forward, leaning towards her warmth.
She runs her fingers through my hair, she backcombs it.
This sudden belonging, where is it coming from?

I feel her need for my presence.
But what do I exactly have to offer?
What is left of me and what does she want?
Her back so smooth but yet, with so many lines to uncover.

She pulls away and leaves an old, grey photograph.
She leaves, nothing. Nothing but a faint memory.
Of her slender figure, her neat brows, her light footsteps.
She vanishes. I can't recall. Nothing. No story.

I'm awake but I feel no pulse, no heartbeat, no life.
I speak but with no intention to make a sound.
I gaze but with no intention to search.
I touch, I feel for anything, but I stumble and fall to the ground.

2011-11-17T02:55:00.000+08:00

Please.

Make the pain go away.

2011-11-14T04:13:00.002+08:00

Just one time in my life, I wish to be sick like everybody else. A 3-5 day fever with an official medical certificate to cover up for my absence in school. Not this. Not me, walking around with a limp, every day of my life. Okay, I may not look like I'm walking with a limp, but damn the amount of pain it takes for me to look like I can walk normally.

I don't know which one's worse to be honest. To be limping, or wheezing? Gosh, I'm quite an expensive kid to bring up. For all the wrong reasons, I suppose?

Chao.

2011-11-11T02:36:00.002+08:00

Resonate, ring, alarm.
Let fears only be some.

Parcels begging with surprise.
Endless equations they'll derive.

Tight, pretty shoes are purple.
Hurt themselves but never verbal.

Rusted nails warm like glue gun.
Dying alone, stick to none.

Glasses break, papers tear.
Once tough like monkeys' hair.

Exceptionally white and bright.
While pure, but is that alright?

2011-11-09T02:10:00.003+08:00

Apple crumble, pull yourself together.
Chocolate bar, you're breaking all over.

2011-11-08T00:27:00.000+08:00

You can't really tell but my hair is really soft and smooth tonight.

Chao.

2011-11-01T04:08:00.008+08:00

We're makin' out alright.

2011-10-30T20:32:00.001+08:00

In an extremely foul mood right now.

2011-10-27T01:47:00.001+08:00

Incredibly tired.

2011-10-24T03:35:00.002+08:00

We used to be okay. What has become of us all now?

2011-10-24T03:29:00.002+08:00

And all of a sudden, this surge of frustration overwhelms me. I feel like crying it out but then, what would it be for? I can't help but feel insignificant and unworthy. I really hope this is my period talking because I was fine just a few days ago. The drive to pass my last semester suddenly misplaces itself. Maybe, all I need is sleep. Not the kind I'll have to wake up afterwards for a group meeting, or lessons. The kind I just wake up and smile and roll around in bed for the rest of the day, knowing that my responsibilities can wait a little longer. But I'm past that, the holidays are gone. I'll have to do this. I'm pretty sure I can.

3.33am.

I'm going to make myself some breakfast.

Chao.

2011-10-18T02:17:00.003+08:00

Maybe it's time for me to give in. Maybe it's time for me to stop holding grudges and move the fuck on. It's not about "me", "I" or "myself" anymore. However you may wish to look at me, I'm a better person now. I'll still fall, but who's to know I won't punch you in the face once I get right back up.

I've never felt this way before and I'm going to embrace every millisecond of it. I'm not looking back so this is it. I'm ready.

2011-10-02T04:14:00.002+08:00

I know I'll only be away for a week, but I can't help but feel that I'll miss everyone terribly once I get onto that plane. I've always put my friends as one of my top priorities and not seeing them for a week is going to be so.. weird. Trust me when I tell you that I'm thankful for you guys being a part of my life and I love each and every one of you so much.

Chao.

2011-09-28T02:48:00.000+08:00

2011-09-28T02:15:00.003+08:00

Greetings one and all, my 2am face greets you with much delight.

5 minutes ago, I left my room to go to the toilet and realised I wasn't the only one in the house still awake. My uncle was sitting in the living room with his Macbook and the television watching him. My brother emerged from his room asking me how to use Adobe Illustrator. Let's just say his knowledge of AI is comparable to my extensive knowledge of the differences between pasture-fed cows and grain-fed cows. I only know that either of them produces a beefier taste, but then again, what do I know? I love beef.

I intended to turn in early knowing I've yet another long day to conquer ahead of me but I'm being stubborn and "busying" myself with YouTube videos. What! Some angel uploaded full shows from Rock In Rio 2011 and I'm almost done with Metallica's 2 hour set. Watched Red Hot Chili Peppers earlier and was really hoping they'd play Scar Tissue.

Nah-uh.

Just an update on my life. I'll be travelling to Melbourne on the 3rd of October for a study trip with the school, if anyone cares. I can't wait to just hop onto the plane and then beg my mind to stop playing scenes from Final Destination in my head repeatedly. I can't wait for the cool weather, a hot beverage in my hand (contemplating drinking coffee again, I've been off it for months now, for now it's just tea), wind blowing in my hair.. Oh my, I'm really very excited for this trip. Very eager to be away from everything right now.

And with that, my unethusiatic face wishes all insomniacs a good night.

Chao.

2011-09-27T23:11:00.001+08:00

2011-09-26T01:18:00.002+08:00

2011-09-20T13:59:00.001+08:00

I've done it. Once again, I've proven to myself and the whole world how much of a fucked up loser I can be. It's a horrible feeling but you know what? I'll be fine.

2011-08-18T03:32:00.004+08:00

Me at 3.30am trying to get work done.

Moments ago, I suddenly thought about not being able get my Diploma because I've failed school or something.

I'd be a dropout, no?

And then I thought about all the people I've convinced so hard to stay in school to get their Diploma.

Like really, what the fuck is wrong with my head?

Chao.

2011-08-10T09:26:00.003+08:00

I kinda miss my old red and longer hair. Okay, maybe not the bangs.

Chao.

2011-08-10T05:51:00.003+08:00

If I had a gun, trust me, I'd have already shot myself in the head with it. I'd rather hurt myself then hurt the people who mean the world to me. So fucking tempted to disappear once I'm done with school. I can't do this anymore.

2011-08-08T02:04:00.002+08:00

Yup, keep putting all the blames on me. I mean, I don't have feelings so I should be totally okay with it, right? Yeah, everything is my fault. I caused your misery. Good job, I'm so proud of myself.

2011-08-03T02:30:00.002+08:00

2011-08-02T03:02:00.005+08:00

3am.

I don't really know how to put my current thoughts into words so here goes.

I'm 19 this year. I'll be 20 next year, and 21 the following year. I'm not getting any younger. I'm really going to be an adult very, very soon. What I'm trying to say is something along the lines of "I need to fuck up less and learn to be a more responsible (young) adult" and I don't have much time.

I'm young, I'm free and yes, I enjoy fucking up because that's how I learn. That's how I look past my mistakes and move on. Not trying to sound like "Oh I've seen the world so I know things even though I'm so young" but I'm pretty much leading a very independent life now as compared to a lot of 19 year old kids out there.

Ignore this part because it's going to sound like the whole world revolves around me. I think I'm going to try to be a little more selfish and start thinking for my own sake. I'm really, really tired of trying to please everyone but myself. But the thing is, I do enjoy pleasing people (not in a sexual way of course). Over the past weeks, I've come to realise that I actually feed off other people's happiness, that's how I smile. I don't really prioritise my own happiness because I find it a little redundant. I don't see the point in satisfying myself because I know I want so much more (that I can't achieve) so, I make others smile instead. I guess in a way it's easier for me to see others smile and I'll just be really awkward looking at myself smile in the mirror.

However, it has come to such an extent that I feel close to nothing to anything anymore. I don't exactly know how to explain it but every day I wake up, I just want time to past faster. And it's not exactly a bad thing because I think I've come to terms with my own stupid emotions that I suddenly am ~happy~ about anything and everything.

I guess I'm really tired now and I know I'm still young. I can still feel that little spark in me still oiling the gears and keeping the engines running in my mind. That tiny spark. It's barely making it, but it's still there. Sometimes, all I think about is giving up. Just how much do I have to give in to receive? I believe in karma but does karma believe in me?

I need to collect metaphorical firewood, twigs and dried leaves, Gather them and light them up with that little tiny spark left lingering in my head and hope to ignite an endless glowing bonfire of energy and life and make sure it stays in.

Somehow.

Chao.

2011-07-27T03:51:00.004+08:00

3.51am.

This is my face when my internet died for 30 seconds.

I got bored while watching tv (I watched tv because I was bored so getting bored while watching tv is torture) so I decided to braid all of my hair. Haven't done it myself before because I've way too much hair and my hair has various lengths (the sides awkwardly-growing undercuts and the little short ones at the back) so braiding everything is sure going to be hell.

So I started braiding from the top onwards, with my fringe all pulled back. Never done that before in my life so why not give it a try. It was tiresome because as I've mentioned I've too much hair and overlapping groups of hair again and again is very taxing to my arms.

If I didn't have the side awkwardly-growing undercuts, I think I'll look pretty damn hot but noooooooooooooooo, those ugly undercuts are there to give me hell.

Grow hair, grow!

Not the clearest evidence of my hard work but believe me, I really did my best and everything is still intact!

Chao.

2011-06-28T03:35:00.003+08:00

3.35am and as usual I can't sleep. I feel really tired, my eyes are strained but I can't sleep. So yes, the usual self-reflection thing begins.

The 2nd school term of my final year has started and did I go to school? No. And because I'm going to go visit my grandma (in Malaysia) later, I'll be skipping school again.

Because I'm on my third and final year, I get asked again and again what I want to do after I graduate. When I tell them what I've got in mind, I get mixed responses. And most of the time, they are negative responses.

I don't know how to put this but sometimes people think we're too young and we don't know a thing about reality. I'm pretty sure I know I do or at least have a pretty rough idea of it. If the path I'm going to take isn't the "right" one so what? I live for the experience and I'll learn from it. I can assure you that I'm trying to sound the least naive when I mention the previous statement. It's a pity that some people just can't take me seriously.

Why should people plan their futures when they don't even live for the moment? Why work or study for the future? What about now? Are you enjoying what you're doing now? Because you should. It might suck but everything will be for the better, in time to come.

I fucking hate people who ask me what I want to do in future and when I tell them they give me a "oh-my-god-how-are-you-going-to-make-a-living?" response. Why do I even bother telling you in the first place? Oh yes, cause if I don't, you'd think I'm not being independent and enjoy being spoon-fed so I don't have to think about my own future. And if I do, ... then comes that stupid response. Seriously people, even if I die tomorrow or not, I'm not going to use your life savings to pay for my funeral, so shut the fuck up.

Ya?

Chao.

2011-06-23T02:59:00.000+08:00

My I-haven't-fucking-sleep-for-20-days face says hi.

Chao.

2011-06-17T05:45:00.002+08:00

5.45am. I'm still awake. I haven't slept since 1pm yesterday. I can't sleep so I shall blog.

Because you're only reading and won't ask me anything, I shall just tell you. That right now, I feel nothing. Like really, nothing. I'm still alive, but yet at the same time, I'm just sitting here and feeling nothing. I don't feel like a zombie. I don't want to eat your brain. I really feel nothing.

Are there any insomniacs around? I really need insomniac friends. I get so lonely every time during these few hours. Oh now I remember, Prapra is always around to chat with me when I don't sleep. He's in India now enjoying life and here I am, still feeling nothing.

Sometimes, I really don't know what to do with my life anymore. People can succeed without an education so what am I doing here?

Just a quick update on my so-called life. I'm living with my brother now. Adult-free until my mum calls every five seconds (even when she's overseas). A lot of you might think "Oh cool! You get to party every night!" or "Oh my god you're so rich! You have two houses!" These people need to shoot themselves really. Or just jump off my bedroom window. I live on the 11th floor, I'm pretty sure you'll die once your head reaches the ground. Or at least I hope so.

I'm not even 20 but yet I've got so much responsibilities, it's crazy. I fucking hate it when people don't take me seriously. It's like they think I've got an easy life because I ~live alone~ now. It's not fucking easy at all.

I don't mean to sound like I'm depressed but this life is mad. So mad, I might even end up taking my own life. And you ask "What about those around you? Don't you care about how they'll feel once you're gone?" You know what, I'd very much like to not give a fuck about what people think, be it when I was alive or when I'm dead. If I didn't care when I was alive, why more should I when I'm dead?

I'm not sick. I don't want to be. You know what? I think I'm going to go watch some tv til the sun rises and be less depressed.

6am.

Chao.

2011-06-01T00:43:00.003+08:00

Been feeling so uninspired lately, I just feel like curling up in a corner and crying my eyes out. I'm being a complacent bitch right now but I can't help it. I'm not comparing my life with others' but I think I'm too young to be going through all these nonsense. 6 weeks of school just passed by in a snap and have I done anything productive? I don't think so. Have this crazy urge to just drop everything and quit school but I know I shouldn't. I'm so close to graduating but who knows if I actually have the grades to pass my final year.

And do I do anything about it? No. All I do is complain about the shitass weather, my mum, my brother, about anything and everything. I'm such a loser sometimes.

Chao.

2011-05-29T21:30:00.002+08:00

If you read my blog and you're a girl, do me a favour and help me complete this survey for shameful me. Thanks.

http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/KX3G2D6

Or else.

Chao.

2011-05-29T04:33:00.003+08:00

Been pretty busy lately with assignments and what not. Yeah, I actually do my assignments. Time flies faster when you do your assignments. The quicker the better, then I can graduate and leave this horrible country.

If you want to know what I've been up to, this is the tumblr you should visit. Basically, it's a summarised version of my "journal" entries for one of my modules called Experimentation Design Studio. The perfect example for "It's not about the destination, but the journey" bullshit. If you have a tumblr, feel free to follow and comment. Or if you don't, then go slit your wrist.

With that, my pretty face bids you goodbye.

Chao.

2011-05-22T06:21:00.005+08:00

Because Twitter only allows a 140 word limit and I don't want to be flooding everyone's news feed with my rants, so I shall blog it all out. Going to let my nerd-self take over now so for those who are familiar with my cool-self, turn away now.

I need to rant about the movie, Thor. I've watched it. I've got my own views on it. And I've been reading reviews. Good, bad, bimbotic and mindless.

No one ever fucking disses a Marvel superhero. No fucking one. You think the movie sucks? Okay no, I don't even know where to begin so I'll just rant it all out once and for all.

People who watched Thor because of Natalie Portman (because she's so pretty and talented and all ~OOOoooOOO Black Swan~). You know what? Fuck you.

Thor is deeper than that. It's a story about how one of the Avengers heros came to be. And of course, you don't even know who the Avengers are or what they're all about. I'm totally cool with it if you don't know Marvel and just watched Thor, because you happened to be watching it, but I've heard of some dissing the so-called "love story" between Jane (Portman's character) and Thor, saying Thor should have went back to Earth because they were in love with each other.

SERIOUSLY PEOPLE, SERIOUSLY. GOD OF THUNDER NEEDS NO FUCKING LOVE FROM A FUCKING SCIENTIST. SHE FELL IN LOVE WITH HIM BECAUSE HE WAS TOPLESS. WHO WOULDN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH A TOPLESS CHRIS HEMSWORTH?! And the cheesy ~love story~ that happened, she liking him doesn't mean they have to be in love. He's hot, what's not to like about him.

I bet mindless idiots like you stepped into the theatre with no knowledge of Sif and the Warriors Three. Warriors who you ask? Heimdall? You only know him as the Bifrost Bridge gatekeeper but do you know the powers he possess? Like no, he doesn't just stand there and looks after the gate. That comes with a lot of responsibility and he's obviously there for a reason. BECAUSE HE IS SO POWERFUL, HELLO? You think he's irrelevant and I'll punch you.

And then there are some idiots who think that the whole Thor story was rushed. I mean seriously, it's a fucking two hour movie, how much can you exactly put into one movie? It's not a freaking Harry Potter movie made with countless amounts of sequels. Yeah, I agree it's just ~a little~ sloppy at some parts but c'mon, Harry Potter is a fucking draggy movie and you guys love it. Also, Thor was meant to be like an introduction movie to the upcoming (ONE OF THE MOST AWESOMEST) movies to come next year, The Avengers.

And did anyone else in this whole world caught Hawkeye's cameo? Shortlived but freaking awesome. Gets me all pumped up and excited for The Avengers.

YES THE AVENGERS ARE GOING TO BE SHOWN NEXT YEAR AND I CAN'T FUCKING WAIT. However, I do fear the possibility of most of the heros being played down (because everyone is so amazing and powerful) for the story plot. It worries me. I'm only hoping and crossing my fingers for the best.

This post is so abrupt, but I had to do it sometime. People are getting really stupid nowadays. It's no wonder the world is ending, or something like that.

Chao.

2011-05-19T03:56:00.003+08:00

Been so busy the past week, it's crazy. And I'm not even talking about anything school-related. Maybe I'll talk about it more after everything has simmered down and my life goes back to mundane. Oh well.

Chao.

2011-05-07T23:42:00.006+08:00

Highlight of the day.

And can you imagine, there I was standing like about 5 metres away from them, face all red and teary-eyed. It was that intense, I tell you. And Sad was there to witness everything. Embarassing? Nah.

And then we take a picture of ourselves and my "Let's look normal"-look turns out like this.

Good job Zakk, good job. I'm pretty sure you're very proud of yourself for looking like a complete douchebag naturally. And Sad's probably like "Omg I look too happy.."

Seriously, Sad. How does one look "too happy"?!

And I shall abruptly end this post by introducing you to mini Hal Jordan.

Chao.

2011-05-03T03:48:00.002+08:00

3.48am.

I just took a look at the calendar and realised my 2nd doctor's appointment is this Wednesday. Oh man, I've got plans on that day but no, I still have to drag myself to the hospital just to be checked if I'm sane or not.

It's the month of May and in exactly a week's time, I'll be turning 19. Honestly, it's not a big deal to me. I don't know. Maybe it's just me. Whatever nonsense happened over the years might have caused my disinterest to celebrate anymore.

How's life?

Mine's been pretty eventful so far. Things took a little positive turn for me a few days back and I feel... content. Suddenly, I feel less depressed than ever. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Chao.

2011-05-01T18:17:00.000+08:00

Such an epic video. I can cry everytime I watch this. Too overwhelming.

Chao.

2011-04-27T00:10:00.001+08:00

Just so you know, I have feelings too ya?

Stop hurting me.

If your 10 year old self met you now, what would it say to you?

2011-04-26T01:46:00.001+08:00

All I can think of is my grandfather's passing when I was 10. Perhaps it would tell me to "Stay happy no matter what".

You know you want to ask something.

2011-04-26T01:40:00.001+08:00

Missing you is just too much
Why don’t you just figure it out?
You’re fading

And I’m still waiting

formspring.me

2011-04-24T02:28:00.001+08:00

You know you want to ask something. http://formspring.me/zakkfakk

2011-04-23T03:37:00.001+08:00

Can someone sing this to me to sleep every night?

Chao.

2011-04-22T03:46:00.000+08:00

2011-04-21T14:50:00.001+08:00

If you guys weren't there for last night's Audi Fashion Festival Casting Party, then you're pretty much invalid to me.

Okay, I kid.

Chao.

2011-04-20T01:25:00.000+08:00

formspring.me

2011-04-19T01:57:00.001+08:00

You know you want to ask something. http://formspring.me/zakkfakk

2011-04-13T15:46:00.000+08:00

Just another day in the office, filling up the photo album with 180 photos. Don't feel like ending my internship here. The people here are really, really nice.

On another note, I won't be having tomyam food items for the next 1-2 weeks anymore. Realised I just had it for 2 days consecutively and my tummy isn't very happy about my decisions.

Oh well.

Chao.

2011-04-12T06:41:00.002+08:00

At times, I really feel that I'm not good enough for you. As much as I want to do something about it. Though I clearly know it isn't a very good time now so, I'm just going to be here if you need me.

And if you can find a way to completely stop my hormones from raging, then my virginity is yours to keep.

Chao.

2011-04-12T06:35:00.001+08:00

I feel so awkward sometimes, it's not even funny. Not trying to be all emotional and stupid, but it's just one of those nights where you think, and do nothing else. At the same time, you look at the time every 30 minutes interval and wished you actually slept 30 minutes ago because you're working the next morning and you've got major punctuality issues.

I love work and all, but I fucking hate routines. Yes, I can work but I don't want to go to the office at noon every day, stare at Photoshop and Illustrator and then head to an event to help out in the afternoon (if I'm scheduled to) and head home at 1am every single fucking day. Call me lazy, I hate rules. I want to do things at my own pace.

As much as I hate (and love) to be judged, it's inevitable. I judge people too. I don't know where this is going but my point is.. I don't have one and that's just the way I do things. I want it, I do, I don't want it and.. I don't. It's simple. People tell me "Of course! You have the money! So rich!" One thing I want to make clear is that, I'm not rich at fucking all. Just because I live in a private estate or some kind of high-end place doesn't mean I have the money to afford every Apple product there is on the shelf. Yeah, I may spend a little too much sometimes and I'm quite impulsive with my buys but most of the time, I actually plan and decide for months the importance of what I'm going to get. Things get a little costly for me because I'm more of a Brand person then anything else. I don't mean I wear Prada, Levi's or YSL. I just like to get things that cost a little more than what it's supposed to be valued at. Somehow, it gives me a sense of assurance that it's of a better quality thus more valuable and that actually works for me.

If you actually understood whatever I've written then good and bad for you. Good because we think alike and I'm cool so that makes you cool too. Bad because if I'm cool, it is most likely that you can't be cool. At all.

Chao.

2011-03-23T03:31:00.004+08:00

When I was 15.

Used to think it was pretty. I still do. But.. The drive isn't there anymore.

Why, Zakk? Why.

Chao.

2011-03-15T02:00:00.003+08:00

So I kept wondering to myself why the pictures turned out of a very yellow tone. I wondered and wondered the whole night and never came to a solid conclusion.

I sat in front of my laptop, looked through all the photos and suddenly.. "WHAT THE.. IT'S THE WHITE BALANCE!"

I felt like a douchebag.

I feel so blessed to be interning at my company right now. Amazing and crazy (good) colleagues. Having the privilege to loan their camera equipment and I got their D300s for a day.

Dear Noname, I love you so much but I need more. I'm sorry. I'll always love you as my first ever camera that I bought with my own life savings and I'll never leave you. I promise.

Chao.

2011-02-27T00:32:00.003+08:00

My face lights up whenever I get my hands on Koi's Ice Cream Milk Tea. I felt a little wealthier than usual so I got a Large one that day.

But fret not, fellow Sweettalk-ers, I'm still an avid fan. I only get Koi for their Ice Cream Milk Tea. Sweettalk will always be my number one.

Chao.

2011-02-26T14:24:00.006+08:00

Good morning world. Yeah, it's 2pm right now. My brain is... not functioning really well at the moment. And my lips are naturally lob-sided. Why?

My stress/heat rash says hi!

Chao.

2011-02-26T01:21:00.001+08:00

I always almost cry whenever I watch this back.

I will perform with Slash one day.

Chao.

2011-02-25T01:08:00.017+08:00

Yesterday.

Chao.

2011-01-27T04:40:00.000+08:00

Yes, I'm a very sad person.

Chao.

2011-01-18T00:55:00.002+08:00

Everyone's beginning their 2011 blog posts with "I'm turning 19 this year.. Time to be more matured!" "I'm turning 20 this year.. Responsiblities..."

And you know? I don't think I give a fuck. I don't care how old I'll be turning this year. I get older every second, every minute, every day. No fucking big deal.

I'm currently feeling unmotivated and uninspired. I reflect and reflect, and never come to a fucking conclusion that is ever concrete enough to tell me to wake the fuck up and move on with my ~life~.

I feel like ending everything.

2011-01-16T23:58:00.002+08:00

I know I haven't blogged in 20 years. I've been really busy with school and what not. Yeah, busy with school stuff. I know, school stuff and me being busy at it don't go together, but there's always a first time for everything.

Azri out of the blue asked me at midnight whether I'd like to go to Art Stage Singapore 2011 and I said yes. About time I caught up with that dude. And it was a pretty good catch-up session I must say. And going to see an art showcase with another person who talks Art was definitely a plus-point.

So that's about it I guess. I'll blog more in-depth in 20 years time.

Chao.

2010-12-16T03:09:00.004+08:00

Since I'll be staying in Malaysia for like more than 75% of my term break, and everyone has been asking me "WHY DO YOU ALWAYS GO TO MALAYSIA?!", I've decided to start listing reasons, be it personal or whatever (since you idiots keep asking me), one every blog post.

#1 Baskin Robbins
Heard of it? Maybe some of you haven't (and you should really get a life right about now). It is one of the most amazing tasting ice-creams ever. Much better than Ben & Jerry's really. It's too great, it's not even available in Singapore. I had my virgin taste in Phuket, and fell in love. When I was in Tokyo, I chanced upon it in Shibuya and I immediately knew what dessert I was having after dinner. And yes, it's also available in Kuantan! (where I always go to when I say I'm going to Malaysia) Who would've thought this ulu state in Malaysia has BR. Everytime I head to the mall, I never fail to have my BR scoops before I head back.

Chao.

formspring.me

2010-12-14T00:04:00.001+08:00

IT'S ONLY BECAUSE I'M BORED. http://formspring.me/zakkfakk

2010-12-13T17:31:00.004+08:00

What should I blog about today?

*Puts on thinking cap*

Let's just say I've one of the most amazing friends in the world right now. Fah went to Korea (during a school week what the hell) and got me 2 of my favourite things in the world in 1.

A motherfucking silver Storm Trooper ring. It's like one of the most amazing-est thing ever and I'm forever grateful *wipes tears*.

Right now, I'm just waiting for 2 companies to reply my emails regarding internship. Pfft, one thing I don't understand is that why does SP make our internships during the year break which is like only one month plus. Whereas other schools like TP and NP (I think) makes their internships one whole semester. I think the latter is much more effective and efficient really. I mean, just how much can you learn in one and a half months, compared to 3 months?

Also, our end of year 2 holidays will be taken away because of our internship which I think is super ridiculous. I mean it's like the transition between year 2 to year 3, shouldn't we all be chilling before the hectic year 3 begins?

I don't know man, I just think all these are being overlooked and I believe the lecturers owe us an explanation. It's just unfair.

Other than that, I'm quite excited that my second year in SP is ending soon because I cannot wait to get my diploma and leave this school and eventually, country *crosses fingers*.

Anyway, I went for Singapore Toy, Games and Comic Convention last Friday with fellow classmates but I was with Fah 98% of the time. To cut the long story short and not scare my non-existent readers with my inner-geek, Fah and I went crazy.

Chao.

2010-12-10T04:27:00.004+08:00

SO. HOT. CAN'T. RESIST.

Chao.

2010-12-10T00:14:00.002+08:00

A picture of me looking pretty ... hormonal. How can you tell? My right cheek is erupting with pimples that are just so unsightly I feel like slitting my wrists.

I know I look very slappable and annoying in the picture but I chose it because I think my hair looks amazing here. You'd have never guess that I got drenched in the rain, with my hair all soaked with dirty rain water *shudders* and how it turned out in the end. Of course it looked okay, but I could feel my hairs all overwhelmed with bacteria playing around, contaminating my hair strains.

I'm aware I haven't blogged like in 20 years already but.. but... you know. It's just because... I can.

Chao.

2010-12-06T23:21:00.003+08:00

65DAYSOFSTATIC IS COMING TO SINGAPORE FOR NEXT YEAR'S MOSAIC AND I'M NOT GOING TO MISS THEM AGAIN. THEY COULDN'T COME THIS YEAR DUE TO LAST MINUTE FAMILY MATTERS :( BUT I'M SO STOKED SO NEXT YEAR'S SHOW.

OH MY GOD.

JIZZ.

CHAO.

2010-11-16T03:22:00.002+08:00

I've got this sudden urge to blog again. Whenever I go out, I tweet in my head. When I over-tweet in my head, I thought "hey, why not I blog about this when I get home?" which I normally don't. Because I'm fucking lazy.

So this is pretty much a quick update, as I try to stab out all this tiny ants crawling over the Mac. I've no idea why ants are crawling over the laptop. I mean if you're picturing an ant's nest on the laptop now then cut it out. It's like one or two appears at a time. I think my grandmother's place has mutant ants. They seem to be attracted to electricity. I do not kid. The ants usually hang around near the electric sockets or whatever they are called, until I kill them.

On another note, I hope none of this gets out to my lecturers because I've been skipping a lot of classes. If you ask me right now how many days have I spent in school since the term started, you give me about 30 seconds to think about it and I can straight away give you the answer.

Lemme recall. I skipped some days in week 1. Again in week 2. Week 3 in Tokyo. Skipped clases in week 4. Week 5 is Hari Raya Haji week aka, yes to class-skipping.

I'd like to believe my GPA sucks because of my attendance. Other than that, I think I pretty much am capable of producing slightly above average results. I'm serious. If only I bothered to wake up earlier and not take 10 minutes to decide what to wear, and end up in a normal shirt and denim shorts when I get to school.

Urgh.

I've so much to blog about. Tokyo, tokyo, tokyo. And some parts of my life. But right now, I can't be bothered. I don't wish to tell the world how emo and depressed I am right now. Or how much I enjoy slitting my wrists. Or sometimes when there isn't much place on my wrists to slit, I start slitting my friends' wrists.

I'm serious.

Chao.

2010-10-11T03:32:00.003+08:00

And so while I was away in Pangkor, I fell. As usual. What's an overseas trip for me without falling and hurting my leg parts.

This time, they were scratches on my left lower leg but the hardest impact was on the shin. It's still pretty sore up till now. And I've hurt my shin a coupla times already so the pain's quite neutral to me. (I bet the bones are ready to give way anytime soon but touch wood and fuck yeah am I typing on my huge wooden desk)

So earlier tonight I related the story of my fall in Pangkor to my brother. And he remarked "Why everywhere you go must fall down?!" and I replied "I know man!" Sad but true.

Okay the climax of this blog post is that, my bro actually stepped onto the scratched top surface of my feet, which was probably the biggest scratch among all other scratches that I go during my fall in Pangkor. (hahahaha @ my fall in Pangkor. I make it sound so foreboding somehow). And it wasn't a quick step like he reacted fast and quickly lifted his foot. It was more like he was taking one of the very last steps of his life and really took his time and stepped my injured foot.

The pain was excruciating. I swear. And then it was fine.

So yeah, we had supper and headed home. Nothing interesting. Unless you want to know what I had for supper which was sambal stingray and sambal squid and chicken wings which was like ultimate win so spicy and shiok okay really bad sentence structure I apologise.

I took off my shoe and intended to show my bro the scratch on my foot. And he was like "Sia la! Blue-black!" and I was like "Huh since when?" and I looked down and my bro was right! (Okay another poor sentence structure I apologise again) The scratch was literally bruised and my reaction was like "Holy cow?!"

It wasn't bruised before. It was never bruised to begin with. And immediately I recalled my brother stepping onto my foot earlier and deduced he was the culprit.

So ya. End of story. Moral of the story? Mei you.

My foot's still bruised but oh well.

Chao.

2010-10-09T03:05:00.008+08:00

Omg this trailer looks fucking epic. The Chronicles of Narnia is so amazing. And yeah you can judge me all you want for being a I-don't-read-the-books-but-I-love-the-movies person. If you knew me well enough, you'd know that I don't read.

I can't wait to see Aslan. If you must know, I have a huge crush on him. He's so big and fluffy and he's a fucking lion. I'm in love.

And Prince Caspian is in this one too. Nyeh.

Aslan is hotter.

Chao.

2010-10-09T01:44:00.004+08:00

Holy mother of your son's cow.

I've never seen myself or felt so short in my life before, after looking at this photo (taken on the 6th of Oct 2010 at Lata Kinjang, Gopeng [Some waterfall in Malaysia]). It feels so awkward and surreal.

I feel like a midget now.

And pardon the whole expression, composition and what not of the picture. I was just ... being me.

Chao.

2010-10-04T03:38:00.004+08:00

In case people are wondering why the fuck am I not replying their smses or calls for the next 4 days, please direct them to this blog. So I can tell them that I'm currently overseas (somewhere deep in the jungles of Malaysia) and responding to the smses and calls will cost me a million bombs. I'm just saying.

If you're important enough, perhaps I'll be nice and reply. Most of the time, out of courtesy, I respond because I don't want the sender to think that I'm dead.

On the subject of death, I don't see why people want smokers to stop smoking. I mean, yeah smoking leads to lung cancer and other harmful heart-related diseases that will eventually end your life. But haven't you heard of that primary school kid who died because he got knocked down by a car? Or that kid who fell from some high-rise building? Or some other kid who got killed by some other kid?

I mean look, smoking isn't that life-threatening anymore now is it? I can just die while I jaywalk across the road like any other non-smoker. Or perhaps I decide to jump down from the overhead bridge because I don't want to live anymore.

Smoking to smokers isn't about being cool or stressed anymore. Neither is drinking to alcoholics. Nor eating to fat people. Nor being a slut to ... being a slut.

I'm not implying that smoking is good. Or drinking green tea is good. Or eating sambal sting ray is good. Or spending a lot of money to fix your face is good. Or buying carrot cake every night from that stall to satisfy your midnight cravings is good.

I'm trying to imply that one's man rubbish is another man's treasure. Or however the saying goes.

I'm just saying.

I can't think straight anymore. I'm leaving Singapore to some place in Malaysia in about 3-4 hours and I've yet to pack and it's already 3.30am. I'll be back on Thursday night, in case you care.

Oh typical Zakk.

Here's a picture of me in case you forgot how I look already. Shame on you if you're guilty on the former.

And I'll be away for the next 4 days with this bitch of mine so I don't really mind being away from everyone else. And I'm so fucking stoked I can't wait and I don't really mind not sleeping at all. But I'm so fucking paranoid that I might forget my passport. Of all things. Pfft.

Chao.

2010-09-25T00:27:00.003+08:00

My photocopy and my twin with difference of 4 years and 2 days.

Congratulations on your graduation.

Chao.

2010-09-08T03:39:00.003+08:00

3.30am. And I took a picture of myself. Looking very much like a hobo. Turned off the flash for this.

Then I took a few more shots.

I was bored.

I was supposed to be packing for my trip to Msia tomorrow for Raya (wheeee!) but so far, 0% progress. Good job Zakk.

And then, here's a picture of me with Flash.

Fuckyeahsanity.tumblr.com.

Chao.

2010-09-03T00:51:00.001+08:00

With your feet in the air

And your head on the ground
Try this trick and spin it, yeah

Your head will collapse
But there's nothing in it

And you'll ask yourself

Where is my mind?

2010-09-01T23:33:00.001+08:00

Because the live one can't be embedded, I shall leave you with the studio version which is pretty much as awesome.

The 80s were the best times ever. Great music was born then.

Chao.

2010-08-16T20:36:00.002+08:00

I really needed to post this. Celebration V 2010. And I wasn't there :(

Chao.

2010-08-16T20:23:00.004+08:00

My 600th post.

So Luke was in his fighter plane reaching his target trying to invade Darth Vader's (in his own fighter plane) lasers shooting from behind. This is the scene where Death Star 1 is about to be destroyed and Vader takes matters into his own hands.

Vader's "bodyguard" planes were shot down by a surprise attack from Han Solo and Luke's
teammates were shot down by the enemy. So it was Vader Vs Luke kinda thing.

Vader said "The force is strong in this one."

There I was trying to contain my laughter and thinking "Duh, He's your son dude!" But of course in A New Hope he doesn't know yet so I'm just saying.

Chao.

2010-08-16T02:45:00.002+08:00

Earlier tonight in the cab with my mum, she reminded me of the passing of a distant cousin of mine, N, last year, during the fasting month. He was riding on his motorbike with his girlfriend as pillion. She broke her leg, he crashed his ribcage onto the railings. He passed away in the hospital.

If my mum didn't tell me, I would've thought he was still alive and kicking, somewhere in woodlands, where he stayed. I never took all these stories of distant relatives' happenings seriously. It never occurred to me what a loss it was.

He was only nineteen.

Growing up, my grandma used to take me and my brother over to woodlands to my relative's place. It would be me, my brother, N (2 years older than me) and his elder brother, M (same age as my brother). We would run around along the corridors, scream at each other at the void deck and even hog the playstation until sunset (ps2 wasn't out yet, that's how far back it went). I was the only girl. So it would be my brother and M conversing, me and N conversing. But then again, because I was a whiny brat, N usually ignored me and joined the older boys. Meh.

He was sick. As in, physically sick, inside. Something about having a metal rod in his body to function or something. My mum said leukemia. I can't remember. I was so young and N was like any other malay boy. Soccer-playing, friendly and active.

We weren't that close but think about it. Life is really that precious. One silly move, and your time is up. You think, yeah I'm finally dead, I hate my life on earth. But what about those you left behind? Can you imagine how your loved ones feel?

N passed away at a young age of 19, leaving behind his grandparents, parents, 3 older brothers and an older sister. He was the youngest.

I actually don't know how to feel about this. It's been almost a year. I must have not being listening when the news broke.

With that, I can bid my bike license goodbye. I still want to take it. But I'm sure to be reminded of N's passing, everytime (until maybe I suddenly forget). Even if you wear a helmet to protect your head, your body isn't. And even if you're riding your bike at a steady speed on the left lane, a reckless car driver might just swerve in, hit you and leave you lying on the ground, helpless. Things happen, even when we're careful.

So what now you ask me?

You tell me.

Chao.

2010-08-09T23:22:00.007+08:00

I just had one of the wildest weeks ever. Technically it started last Monday when I went to see Slash in concert. Still feeling all smitten and fangirl-ish over it. But I ain't a fangirl. I'm his wife, comprendo? (Syai don't read this)

And the week progressed to Friday, one of the busiest Fridays in my life. School as usual but I appeared half an hour late because. Surprisingly I wasn't kicked out of class. Then Darren my poloboy was just a sweetheart when he volunteered to help me bind and buy envelopes for me when I was waiting to consult David.

Then, that was the time I cut my finger and almost scared the shit out of myself. I rarely get penknife cuts on my fingers. The last time I accidentally cut myself with a penknife was years ago when I was playing with the blade. And now, when cutting paper (too hard), I slid the penknife onto my left index finger (which was holding down the metal ruler together with my thumb), a part of my nail came off, along with the blade piercing through my skin. Then, ... blood galore. I almost cried. Got Sam to help me wash my finger and plaster it. Too pussy to look at my own wound. *shudders*

Continued panicking, because I had my GEMS test at 1pm and I was clueless as to what was going to be tested. Yes, I took a GEMS that thought me Bio terms. I've never taken Bio in my whole life (except the usual reproductive systems and what not in sec 1-2) but now, I know the terms Mitochondria, RNA, Phosphodiester and erm ... Vector. Do you? Hah.

Finished the test in 15 minutes. It was quite easy seeing as how the questions on the revision guide came out and I read them all the night before. Hai Zakk, you amaze me sometimes. Then off for lunch, chilled and proceeded to the foreboding InnoV for casting call with Fah. Tried it out for fun because ... Nyeh. What a long way up (and down). And Fah and I agreed we both love the smell of paint. Heh.

Then it was time to head to The Hall. What a foreboding name for such a pretty tiny space. Had to get Syai from his studio and drag him all the way with me. Met Yusman on the way and he started to panic. I panicked a little. I don't know. It was mixed feelings for me. I mean, you join a competition to win, right?

So bla bla bla, friends came. Wished everyone goodluck. It was nice to see familiar faces and quite surprising to see some other faces. But all's well ends well. Khairi and Isaac were the emcees for the night and goodness, were they full of crap (in a good way). And thank you babies for the fucking amazing intro you guys did for Yusman and I. Backstage we were like "WTF?!" And I couldn't stop smiling as I got on stage. Friends/supporters were cheering so loud and oh my god, did you guys have to "meow" non-stop?! It was so funny I couldn't start until 10 secs later when everyone shut-ed up.

And hell yeah did me and Yus did an awesome job. And yes, I know it was a very low-key performance but as I mentioned, it was OUR cover of the song and we had our reasons for making it "moan-like" according to Fah. I mean, oh my god at the song choice! Not my cup of tea, but we compromised and sang it for the crowd.

So here's a random array of pictures I took from Facebook, for your viewing pleasure.

And then the stage photos, both when we performed and when we got awarded Champions for SD Talentime 2010 Duet category.

A job well done Yusman! Amazing guitarist and back-up singer. Hearts you many many!

After everything else, I called Sadali who was performing for CASS Idol. I wanted to watch him so badly after watching his audition video but I had my own show to do. We planned to that "win or lose, we're going to celebrate". Then I called him, AND HE FUCKING WON CASS IDOL SOLO OMG I WAS SCREAMING OVER THE PHONE. Met him over at Dover and gave him a huge hug. Along with Shah who was pretty excited to see me and vice versa.

And that's your CASS IDOL 2010 for you okay. The one on the left. The right one is just cute.

Chao.

2010-08-05T15:51:00.005+08:00

Probably one of the greatest days of my life. 2nd August 2010. I went to Fort Canning Park with my brother, his girlfriend, Jeremy, Jowin, Eugene, another Jeremy, Matthew and I forgot the other guy's name. Why? We watched Slash perform live with Myles Kennedy and band. It was the best ever live concert I've been to and watching my idol perform so close to where I stood (and got raped, groped, squashed ... multiple times) was one of the most amazing experiences ever. I talked to strangers, made new friends, hit some people and even became a temporary girlfriend to some rowdy caucasian dude (sorry Syai!). It was all worth it.

And did I mention? I brought along Sam's 35mm Nikon and Fi's Instax and held them in my arms at all times when I wasn't busy reaching out to snap photos. I think everyone around me was wondering why the fuck I brought film cameras to a live concert because everyone was holding up the latest digital compact cameras and iPhones to take videos and pictures. And imagine me jumping around to the music and holding the cameras as close to my body as possible because for one, the cameras don't belong to me, and two, if I spoil/damage them, again they're not mine so my friends might kill me for wrecking their cameras. Also, I brought along Faz's D60 along with her wide angle lens but I never took them out of the bag for fear it might get destroyed by ruthless concert-goers so I passed the bag to my brother while I enjoyed headbanging to the music (along with the 2 film cameras in my arms). I'm that amazing I know.

I don't apologise for being different.

And then, there were visuals.

Some randomly picked pictures from the folder so I'm not sure if they're clear or not. Anyhoo, I don't care. I need to do my assignments now because deadline is tomorrow. The laptop has been switched on since just now and I've yet to do anything. Meow.

Chao.

2010-07-20T00:56:00.009+08:00

The things we all can learn from fictional characters and their stories. It's amazing how we can relate to 2D animation. But then again, it's all in good name that they serve good purposes to us. For entertainment, and for valuable lessons, that is if you're actually observant and wise enough.

On a lighter note, I don't want to sound like I'm bragging but really, people have commented that my hair is straight and insisted that I actually rebond my hair. Seriously, it's natural. I've never rebonded my hair before, unless you count that one time when I actually got it temporarily straightened about 10 years ago.

I don't know if it's a good or bad thing to have people actually think your hair is rebonded. I mean it's good, because it's straight. And it's bad because well, by rebonding your hair you actually have to burn your hair which damages your hair. And I love my hair too much to damage it.

And then you might argue with me that I bleach my hair therefore I'm also damaging my hair. Yes, I know. Sadly, I happen to have this warped thinking that I don't want asian hair aka fucking black hair (which I do have if you look at my roots that are already sprouting out of my scalp like nobody's business) so I dye my hair a totally different and light colour. I'm weird and awesome that way.

In any case, I never liked the idea of people thinking my hair is rebonded. Sue me.

Chao.

2010-07-12T04:51:00.000+08:00

So much better than fools overrating soccer.

Chao.

2010-07-08T01:13:00.003+08:00

Fuck this shit.

You nag at me when I come home late. Then you nag at me when I stay up late to do my assignments because you say "You're supposed to complete your assignments in school!".

Dear mum, I don't fucking get you at all. Fucking understand that I've plenty of assignments to complete and that I don't sleep before 12am anymore. I can't afford to quarrel with you about the same issue over and over again.

You don't let me take Fine Arts it's okay with me, now you're unhappy that I don't sleep. NO ONE EVER FUCKING SLEEPS MY FRIENDS ARE ALL AWAKE ON MSN BECAUSE THEY HAVE FUCKING ASSIGNMENTS TO COMPLETE MUM. SCHOOL IS NOT EASY ANYMORE.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

2010-07-04T01:57:00.012+08:00

Because I've not been updating, I shall update now. And I'm quite bored right now. I think you are too, because you wouldn't have stumbled onto my blog if you weren't. So, yes.

Earlier today, I was at the Padang with the mother, my brother's gf and Rach. For fun? No. Because we got free tickets to see the NDP preview. It was okay. Drizzled throughout the show. Got everyone looking like retards in ponchos. Me and Rach slept through some parts, because we got too bored.

Oh, and this year's "fun bag" or whatever you call it, looks REALLY good compared to previous years. It's actually quite pretty and I wouldn't mind carrying it around. But just that it's a tote bag, and I rarely carry totes. But I might just consider when I feel girl-y one day. Hmm.

We got seats facing the ... parliament house? I forgot what you call that building. So we ended up facing every performer's ass. The hosts were Gurmit (as usual), Suhaimi (Malay pride!), Denise Keller and Michelle Chia. Oh my god, Denise and Michelle are such pretty people please. So yes, almost all the time I was conversing with Rach (or myself because she ignored me because I was being too irritating) and when she grabs the camera, she never fails to take a dozen candids of people (me), even when I was trying to clean the camera lens.

Then it was my turn for revenge, and all I managed was this. I know I could've done much better. I tried. I really did.

And that's the mother and brother's girlfriend. Where was my brother you ask? Somewhere amongst the pact of army boys situated at the 4 corners of the Padang.

And the 2 annoying girls.

Immediately after the show, we parted with the adults and ran off to Siglap for dinner, soccer and ice-cream. Such pigs. Yay us. And because I've nothing more to add right now, here are pictures of us saying goodnight to you.

Chao.

2010-06-21T23:13:00.003+08:00

If clubs played this, then maybe I'd change my mind and decide to be a hardcore clubberzxzxz.

Chao.

2010-06-21T18:44:00.003+08:00

Because I'm so lazy and can't be arsed to do any work right now, or ever. I'm here.

Apparently I'm a retard and an ocassional scene faggot. How nice, huh.

Chao.

2010-06-20T03:27:00.002+08:00

Dear Grandpa, it's been 8 long years since we last met (though you ocassionally visit me in my dreams). I just want to say I miss you terribly. Never a day goes by that I never think of you. Never.

How've you been doing? I'm doing good. I think. Wait, actually I'm lying. I'm not doing very well. Everything's really crazy right now and I just wished you were only a phone call away so I can rant to you and not type everything out in this useless blog of mine. I just wished I could run to the beautiful home that you left Grandma with (just before you passed) and have you greet me with open arms at the doorway.

You've always been my father-figure growing up. Mummy never fails to remind me that one instance when I was what, 5 6 years old? I wanted you to marry Mummy so the 3 of us could be a happy family together. Things were so simple back then, and now then I've grown up and matured, I see the big picture now.

We take risks and make sacrifices for all the things we hope to achieve. We fall and get back up, and we fall again and get back up. You've always been there for me and I know you still am. You're just not physically around anymore but I still feel your presence. If only you were physically around though :\ I need a good, long hug from you. I need to hold your hand. I need to talk to you. I need to just be with you, so badly.

Sometimes, I wished God would take me away and have us be together forever. Then I'd be so happy, I'd stop frowning. I'd stop being cranky. I'd stop being stupid. I'd just be the perfect Granddaughter that I should be. I just want to end everything right now, just to be with you. If only it were that simple. Everything's so screwed up. I'm sorry I'm not perfect. I just want to make you and Mummy proud of me. That's all.

I've always thought you'd be around long enough to watch me grow up, attend my graduation ceremonies, go on vacations together, marry me off and watch me have kids. I wanted my children to meet their great-Grandpa in person. But all that they'll have now are just stories of you of which I'll tell them about how amazing of a person you are and how you've been the greatest person I've ever met, in my life.

For now, I'll just do the best I can and see wherever my life takes me. Have I told you about my plans for my future? I bet you already know because you're you. And that's what I adore so much about you and fortunately, learn from you. You know people so well just like that.

You're forever and always deep in my heart and I thank God of bringing you into my life because you're the best I ever had. Thank you. And a Happy Father's Day to you, Grandpa.

I love you, very much.

2010-06-11T10:55:00.003+08:00

Another sleepless night. The last one for the term. For the wrong reasons, of course. As usual.

Just a short update. I'll be heading to KL in a few hours so I won't be in to hang out this weekend. I'll be back on Monday so make plans on Tuesday onwards. Hao? I'll flood this space with pictures once again like how I used to, back when I had all the time in the world to at least give a damn.

Til then, take good care of yourselves.

Chao.